Mission Progress, 1st June 2649 00:00:00 SHIP TIME

• Earth time 14/05/2649 04:50:37 ZULU
• Mission time elapsed 598 years, 172 days Ship relative
• Current Acceleration: 3.3180 m/s²
• Velocity: 0.0192c Earth relative
• Fuel: 46.1%
• All systems operating within revised expectations.

NEXT CRITICAL MISSION WINDOW APPROACHING

Delta Vee Inversion Window begins in 5 months and lasts for 12 weeks.
Failure to perform thrust flip in this time frame will have severe repercussions.

Greetings, and welcome to the Advanced Crew Training Programme. Computer has clearly selected you all (congratulations!) for the various skills and qualities you possess, and you now stand to do our ship more of a service than anyone since Launch. Computer has informed us that the Programme will meet once a month — at which point you will all report to the Forum, where you will feedback to each other, your Department Heads, and any other worthies.

These little shindigs will also be reward for the sterling service you are going to render our society in the coming months, so please do feel free to rejoice, cut loose, and party! Of course you're being monitored, but really, it's just to see how you get on.

If you report to the nearest food terminal you will be accorded your allotted recreational beverage for the session.

I look forward to meeting you all.

—Manny Blue, Harmony Manager

Delta Vee Inversion is the fancy name for Asimov turning around. The ship has been speeding up since launch, and now needs to start slowing down again so we don't crash! The engines currently point backwards, and the Advanced Crew Training Programme will set everything up so that the ship can turn around and point its engines forwards - we'll be going in the same direction, but slowing down! This is called 'deceleration'.

— from a Childcare education pack

It is a momentous time in Ship history, and it seems like it will be a busy one too. Each of the departments have been given tasks that are necessary to complete the Inversion by Computer, and crew members have been selected and given special training as part of the ACTP.

It seems that the first priority for the Inversion is to test the important systems required, a duty that has primarily fallen to Engineering - though support is as always expected from the other departments. As Friends of Computer debate the theology of Inversion, and the learned halls of Navigation debate the philosophy behind the process, it is clear that an exciting new chapter in the Asimov's history is about to begin.

A body was found in the Oxygen Forest by Marshal Truman Rainbow. It had been cruelly displayed webbed by its own innards between a stand of trees.

In an odd and thoroughly disturbing way, it chimed well with its surroundings. It was almost a shame to remove it, but it has been sent to Recycling, and the family informed. The Marshals are undertaking an investigation to apprehend the perpetrator. Justice will be served, for the arm of the Marshals is long! —Marshal Truman Rainbow

An 65-year old who had failed to attend his biological reprocessing appointment was located on level 4 of Green Sector yesterday. As an example to others who seek to default upon their resource loan from the communal pool, he was run down by a dedicated member of the Department of Recycling and forcibly reprocessed. A passing Rainbow sector resident commented that while the butchery involving some form of modified gardening instrument more commonly used for the removal of dead limbs from trees was very messy, he found the act to have inspired in him the concept for a new work of art.

Close relatives of the newly deceased expressed their shock at “Grandpa Bubbles” refusing to do his duty, though they also expressed displeasure at the undignified manner of his death. While we were unable to obtain an interview with the reprocessing agent, sources confirm that it was indeed Piers Red, who continues his campaign of time-expired resource reclamation while staying on just the right side of the law, if not good taste.

It seems that the Inversion point is proving a major topic in the theology of the Friends of Computer. Various sects, prophets and preachers are springing up around the Ship each with their own take on the event. One of the more major movements has seen a preacher called Albus White, who has called upon all true believers to gather in his shrine on White Sector's level 30 for a time of reflection and meditation upon the true meaning of the inversion point.

Good law-abiding Computer-fearing Red sector inhabitants had their evening meal rudely interrupted as a gang fight in the adjacent Blackout sector demolished the nearby Bulkhead. Little Timmy Red has not stopped crying since, mentally scarred forever after seeing a large older man push metal discs into the eye-sockets of his opponent, killing him outright.

After the fight was over, the victors got on an assortment of modified bicycles and cycled back into Blackout while shouting “Skulls rule!”. Intelligence suggests that the use of coins (small metal discs used as a currency in Blackout to avoid the need for Computer involvement in illegal trade, stamped with the symbol of a Blackout gang) in such a fashion is the trademark of one Hades Black.

Engineers have since repaired the bulkhead, citing age and the excavation of a stash behind a false panel on the Blackout side as the cause of its failure.

Blue Sector found immensely valuable stockpiles of resources missing recently — stolen from under the noses of the night watch. No one has claimed responsibility, but the guards were knocked out with beautifully perfumed chemicals and tied up in colourful chiffon scarves, so eyes have been turned to Rainbow Sector.

Sanctioned cybernetics surgery from the Department of Health has all but ceased recently. The Department are blaming the lack of materials, but for now it seems the only way you're getting an implant is if your life is on the line (or you try to find a back-corridor surgeon in Blackout, which amounts to the same thing).

Rumours of an uncontrolled BOB stampede in the bowels of the ship have proved to be just that, rumours. Hearing that an engineer had been cornered by dozens of unruly BOBs, Wolf Red orchestrated an expedition to rescue him, to find no more than five “concerned but not concerning” BOBs hanging about an engineer who, it is thought, had partaken a bit too freely at one of Rainbow's parties. Wolf described the entire event as “sadly disappointing,” and the episode of Wolf Drop planned around the event has been scrapped.

There's a new girl in town, Holly Red! Holly finds fault with everything around her and quickly makes lots of enemies with her hatred for authority and nitpicking complaints, but Chad inexplicably likes her. Colleen and Chad have a falling out over it, and it's up to Colleen's best friend, Mel, to make peace. Mel has problems of her own, as her ex-boyfriend refuses to give her up, and Chad is secretly worried because his beloved dad is nearing the age of retirement! Can his relationship with Colleen survive?

The scene is set for a month full of drama and excitement, but as last month set the bar so high, with the highlight indisputably being “The End of Days” - a scathing riff on Hollis Salamaris' paranoid and delusional report on the state of the Computer which recieved the highest viewing ratings of this year's episodes. Here's hoping that the writers are as sharp and on-point as they were last month!

Excerpt from Sport Report:

~
I can't believe this! The Crusher has actually been sin-binned for violent conduct! I can't say I disagree with the refs there, but it took some guts to go stun him and drag him off. Once the EMTs have bundled up Troy Green, there's another six minutes for someone to score a decider…

Chad Green has got the ball… the goalie's in no-man's land… surely he can't miss from here — he's thrown it wide! You will never see a better chance missed! Will this have to go to extra time? Hold that thought - the Crusher has just been released from the sin-bin. Wheatley Red pushes Chad out of the way, threads through two more Greens. He's got the ball - will anyone dare get in his way? He doesn't give them the option - he's through on goal… he might get the decider! He has! He has… so that's it. That is IT! Red are Champions! The klaxon sounds; it's over! Red have done it again!
~

I'm sure we didn't need the reminder of those scenes from two weeks ago, but that might go down in history as the last goal that the Crusher ever scored for Red. He has been refusing interviews for the last week, citing personal reasons, but it seems he's been hard at work organizing his transfer to the Harmony team! In an unprecedented move, a star player has swapped allegiance from sector to department. I'm sure Harmony will be over the moon, but perhaps the Crusher is in for a taste of his own medicine from the Red team's physical game.

Whether Red fans are more upset than Green is a tough call to make, however. Chad Green is sure to get more than a few scathing looks from keen fans for his major blunder in such a key game from now on.

There's a tangle of about 7 BOBs in Green Sector, in the centre of a play area. Looks like they're welded together or something. We're not sure exactly what it's supposed to represent, but looked at with squinty eyes it resembles a tangle of rats, with the BOBs' arms being the tails. There's circuitry everywhere, creating a spray of sparks that are beautiful, but endangering the children! We at Green would like to register a complaint about the artist, whoever he may be—I've heard of a gizmo artist in Blackout? Fuzzy? Also, we've requested Computer send us some BOB-herders stat.

-Harmonia Green, Health Department (Creche section)

Three months ago Evelyn Salamaris, the astrologer famed for predicting the last nine NGF game results successfully, was viciously assaulted by Harmony crewmember Valenthius Red. Yesterday Evelyn was finally been discharged from her regular Health checkups, and has apparently now fully recovered. The staff in the ward told us that they gave the Navigator all the necessary support and equipment to ensure that the NGF predictions would continue, and praised the level of commitment to her work in the face of such a horrific injury.

Meanwhile, Valenthius Red is thought to be under internal investigation by Harmony and under Computer sanction, though both the department spokesman and Computer declined to comment on this matter. He continues to work in Harmony as an Enforcer.

The following rumours have been doing the rounds on the ship this month:

• Green is the new black.
• Lizards for everyone!
• Sven Rainbow's lizard has a Computer terminal in its head.
• All hail the BOB-King!
• Graffiti mask shapes have started springing up.
• They experiment on your mind. They experiment on your body.
• Darling, blue is so not you. Try something lighter.
• The sound of a kazoo is a joyous thing to behold.
• Is it true Mei Mei is out of action for a month?
• Is Chad Green past it, or did he throw the game?
• Jenny Red and the Crusher had a massive fallout - that's why he's switched teams.
• Crusher got resources on the side for life to change teams.
• The Crusher got a massive knock to the head - that's why he's swapped.