Mission Progress, 2nd September 2649 00:00:00 SHIP TIME

• Earth time 14/04/2650 07:45:04 ZULU
• Mission time elapsed 599 years, 110 days Ship relative
• Current Acceleration: -0.00033196 m/s²
• Velocity: 0.0192c Earth relative
• Fuel: 46.0%
• All systems are operating under revised expectations.

NEXT CRITICAL MISSION WINDOW APPROACHING
Delta Vee Inversion Window begins in 2 months and lasts for 12 weeks.
Failure to perform thrust flip in this time frame will have severe repercussions.

It appears that the entirety of the Navigation Department has been thrown into a frenzy by their new head Markus Red, along with confirmation that there is indeed a star ahead of us – with a potentially habitable planet! Debate has been fierce and mathematics incomprehensibly detailed as the Navigators, finally coming into their own as a department, draw on rusty skills to try to discover the feasibility and wisdom of cutting short the mission our ancestors have laboured on for over five hundred years to make planetfall within our lifetimes – in fact, before next Launchday if our source is to be believed! Whether we choose to risk a landing or stay our ordained course, this is history in the making!

Latest word-of-mouth from Tiny Red, bartender at Ace's High:

“So Hades is now duke of three bits of Blackout so it looks like the marshals are getting real twitchy and so is Computer which is how you know he’s the best, because someone told me Computer told Harmony not to mess with us. And Piers has been killing everyone, I mean, even more so than usual, he must have had a really bad day because there was blood everywhere. It was great! Also I heard that two people who were Veta Stapel and Anarr White-Over-Violet-Flow, unless they weren't, not that either of the two of them weren’t dead –– may have gone into Alice Viteri’s place and not come out again, so no idea what they did to piss… I mean, get her ticked off!”

“Not that I know anything about that and you didn’t hear it from me and they were probably both dead already anyway.”

*cough*

“Beer?”

Carl Grey-Wrench, noted engineer, BOB herder and recent anti-Toroid Six agitator, was found dead on an NGF pitch in Blackout with a large ED, symbol of the Earth Dominion, carved in his forehead. Opinions differ as to whether he was set up, assasinated, martyred, or a dangerous unharmonius element removed before he could do more damage. The perpetrator is as yet unknown, but we are confident Marshals will surely investigate this as a high priority.

This month has to have been the most wonderful, saddest episode of SV21 yet!

They seem to be ignoring the previous Age Concerns one as not being canon, taking up in a side room of Acheron again with Hades lounging like a king before being attacked by mysteriously black-cloaked assailants. Meanwhile the rest of the gang were off saving orphans from a fire when a panting child brings the news that Acheron is under attack. Leaving the singed yet grateful children to finish putting out the fire, they rush off to save Hades.

More of the black-cloaked assailants lay traps, slowing the heroes with blockades and pits that they must make their way through to reach Hades, battling enemy after enemy on the way. Hades, a cut on his arm and another on his cheek bleeding a little, pauses for breath after the third wave of thugs for another suave wisecrack, casually beheading the last one sneaking up behind him without even looking around.

The scene cuts to the exhausted Samurai Vikings determinedly climbing up a wall using ropes and slogging through a room which has been filled with waist-high thick algae. Finally, they reach the doors of Acheron and stumble inside. At the back, Hades is still fighting, over a hundred goons now dead or dying on the floor at his feet but more still coming. He pushes his bloodied bandana out of his eyes. “That all you got?” he pants.

As the Samurai Vikings burst through the door, the image goes slow-motion, sound replaced with sad music as they are just in time to see Hades fall, a katana piercing his heart. Chad drops to the floor and screams a silent “NOOOOOOOO!” as the others look on in mute horror and shock, as Hades grins and tries to say something, blood leaking from the corner of his mouth, and dies. Piers numbly dispatches the remaining thugs, tears rolling down his face.

Can Samurai Vikings ever be the same without Hades Black?

For the second time in as many months, every BOB on the ship seems to have suddenly gone utterly insane. Reports have come flooding in from all sectors of residents attacked or cornered by rogue BOBs, or dangers caused by tasks left undone. Despite work last month to capture and calm the rogue BOBs, even those previously calmed seem to have been re-infected with this mysterious mania. We can only hope the BOB herders are all ready to put in a lot of overtime, and that someone gets to the bottom of this before it happens again!

Several Harmony vid-and-poster campaigns have been launched recently to bring crew awareness to certain important issues. Primarily run by Amandine de Bouillon, head of Harmony, and Mordecai White, head of Recycling, they highlight that Age Crime is the ultimate form of hoarding; as every resource on the ship is limited, every breath of air or mouthful of food taken by an age criminal is one that should have gone to a young person who is still actively contributing to the ship. Mordecai speaks of the age limit as something that brings equality and structure to all - each individual getting the same allotment of time, and defining themselves by how they spend it, “a sense of certainty that our ancestors on distant Earth would surely envy us”. He tells of the tragedy of his young wife's early death, but says he is at least grateful that nobody has to suffer the cruel decline of old age. Amandine details the various ways the Marshals and Recycling prevent corruption, and the importance of their jobs.

There is then more focus on the fact that the people of Toroid 6 are merely neighbours not yet met, residents of the ship as are we all, and the evils of vandalism. Mordecai brings out a fine watch and asks everyone watching to synchronise with him as a gesture of unification, sharing a Time that because of an old Earth science called Relativity is probably completely unique to us.

Amandine finishes by pointing out that we have done so well so far by passing the half way point and encouraging co-operation to achieve so much more. The episode ends on a selection of catchy, hummable tunes about camaraderie which are heard being sung around the ship for weeks after.

Those crafty oldies at Age Concerns have done it again, this time replacing the Whitesiders evening audio show with an attack on Head of Harmony Amandine de Bouillon! Claiming her recent campaign on the importance of regulated human recycling to be nothing more than selling her talents to Recycling, they interview a selection of people claiming to be over 65, who apparently wish only to age with dignity and use their skills and knowledge for the betterment of the ship, those nearing 65 ( “I either have to let someone murder me or become a criminal … why would I be a criminal when the person trying to kill me wouldn't?”) and families of the dead, including the daughter of a woman apparently executed last month in a Blackout marketplace and Grandpa Bubbles’ children. They follow with some statistics which seem drastically different from those quoted by Amandine and Mordecai, perhaps a case of selective reporting from both sides?

The episode ends with a challenge to Amandine, to get in touch if she wants to do ‘some actual journalism for a change’ and offering an interview. I for one hope they record her response, as the developing argument seems set to be just as juicy as any Whitesiders episode!

Near the end of the month, another crop of Age Concerns flyers arefound around the ship.

Disaster debatably worse than crashing into the oncoming star has struck the starship Asimov, or at least so it seems to certain residents of Toroids One and Two. Some presumably well-meaning individual has gifted every eight-year-old child on board ship with their very own kazoo, leading to a deafening cacophony of squeaky wails with an accompanying disharmony of adult screams. Many have been confiscated by suffering parents but enough still squawk the corridors to shatter peaceful silences. Did Harmony really think this was a good idea, or is it perhaps a cunning attack by residents of Toroids Unknown?

This month has seen the first episode of 'Lizard Hospital', presented by the famous lizard-lover Posi Rainbow. NGF star Wheatley 'The Crusher' Red brings his wounded lizard, K-dude, to the hospital. The interaction between this (impressively large) lizard and his affectionate owner is definitely the highlight of the show, with Crusher demonstrating K-dude's ability to fist-bump. Lawrence Blue, Head of Health, also turns up to give some doctoring tips, and he and Posi seem to get on well. We see a lizard laying her eggs and curling protectively around them, a little girl being given advice on how best to handle her lizard, and a clawed foot being disinfected and dressed. The lizards are adorable, and while it may not appeal in the same way as SV21 it definitely has an interested audience.

First Lizard Hospital and now BattleBOBs — is the new Head of Harmony shaking things up or what? Eat your heart out, Whitesiders; those missing Wolf Drop's adrenaline highs will be very pleased to see the new show, presented by a mysterious 'Master of Mayhem' in stylish skull-mask and coat, involving battling BOBs taking chunks out of each other in vicious fights, negotiating obstacle courses, team tactics and free for all wars; if you like flying sparks and the screech of metal being destroyed then this is the show for you! Though of course with the recent incidents of BOBs going haywire, some people may consider this slightly too familiar for comfort. Whatever you do, don't emulate Roy Green, who jumps in for a fight with his chainsaw cybernetic in the final round, as it is unlikely to go as well for anyone else!

   Eric 'Buzzcut' Blue, 2623-2649.
   Played to win, lived to play. He will be missed.

Harmony player-coach Wheatley 'the Crusher' Red paid tribute to Buzzcut Blue, who died in an off-pitch incident earlier this month. He told Sports Report that the team would miss his attacking flair, but that they would continue their form, top the league and win the final.

Harmony debuted a new team strip for the game against Recycling: a more imposing line in body armour with silver skull helmets. In the pre-game warm-up, they performed an apparently traditional dance they'd dug up from somewhere, which involved grunting, shouting and beating their chests. Both sets of fans joined in a minute's applause for Buzzcut Blue.

With no real surprises in the penultimate game, the final league game was set up to be a preview of the knockout stage, with Red playing Green, and Harmony against Engineering. Even with both teams safe, Red and Green are obviously still very much rivals and played a hard, exciting game. The final score was 4-2 to Red, but Green were unlucky to not score more.

Jenny Red, coach of Engineering, had obviously been working her team hard after the departure of both Darwin Blue and Anarr Violet. Indium Blue has become a strong winger, and the Engineering players work well as a team. However, it is no exaggeration to say that Harmony are the best team on the form book. Their solid defence and solid attack are intimidating to say the least. Engineering managed an early lead, but Harmony soon pulled one back. They pulled ahead just before half-time, with the score 2-1. Harmony scored early in the second half, with Crusher heading the ball home from a cross by Thursday White. Engineering battled bravely on, and managed to lessen the gap to 3-2, but they were out-gunned and out-played by the formidable Harmony.

• MUSICIANS WANTED. Post-Technical Progressive Thrash-core band looking for guitarists, bassist, drummer. Applicants should inquire after Hades Black at the Acheron. Time-wasters will be beaten.
• The security at Acheron is really really terrible. No, really.
• If everyone Kazoos at the same time, Computer will take a shortcut to The Destination.
• Toroid 5's Computer is not to be trusted.
• If you Kazoo the warden's true name three times backwards, he will appear before you.
• Toot de toot!!
• Sneezing while Kazooing will make your eyeballs pop out your head.
• Kazoos are made by hollowing out dead lizards and cutting them into a specific shape.
• Who's next?
• There are more Forums.
• Did anyone else notice the lack of turrets within the Forum itself at the last meeting, despite all the guns / axes being waved around?
• Tock-tick. Tock-tick. Tock-tick. kcot-kciT.
• So has anyone found Toroid 7 yet?
• Hades and the Captain are going to fight again, on vid feed this time so we can all enjoy it.
• Hades Black is a really nice guy and everyone should stop saying mean things about him
• Rampaging BOBs destroyed a whole load algae vats in Blue sector, but the workers are covering it up.
• I hear Hades Black was behind those Age Concerns flyers! Crazy, right?
• Vengeance!
• Indium is up to something. She keeps going into Blackout.
• Roy Green is a hyper-competent super-soldier secret agent, using his incredible intelligence to fool us all into believing he is incompetent and unfortunate.
• Whatever happened to Wolf Drop?
• The Head of Recycling is stealing from Engineering to line his own pockets.
• Who are they and why can they fly?