Mission Progress, 3rd August 2649 00:00:00 SHIP TIME

• Earth time 14/05/2650 07:53:04 ZULU
• Mission time elapsed 599 years, 140 days Ship relative
• Current Acceleration: -0.00033184 m/s²
• Velocity: 0.0192c Earth relative
• Fuel: 46.0%
• All systems are operating under revised expectations.

NEXT CRITICAL MISSION WINDOW APPROACHING
Delta Vee Inversion Window begins in 3 months and lasts for 12 weeks.
Failure to perform thrust flip in this time frame will have severe repercussions.

WARNING: APPROACHING HELIOSPHERE OF STAR
Current course skirts system and is considered a low risk.
Expect slightly elevated ionizing radiation.
Full inspection of radiation shielding systems recommended before proceeding.

• Current distance components (drivewards/contra-axial): 98.6 / 132.0 AU
• Current velocity components, star relative (drivewards/contra-axial): 5.77e+06 / 7.09e-01 m/s
• Current acceleration components, star relative (drivewards/contra-axial): -3.32e-04 / 3.92e-07 m/s²

From: Asimov Mission Oversight Program
Subject: Landing Protocol Invocation

Notice to all crew of the generation ship Asimov

Landing protocol has been invoked by the authorisation of the Captain.

Please follow instructions given by Senior Crew to ensure the smooth operation of this critical Mission stage.

Asimov Mission Oversight Program

From: Asimov Mission Oversight Program
Subject: Welcome to the Advanced Crew Training Programme (ACTP)

Citizen,

As noted in the attached briefing documents, the landing point is approaching. To deal with the additional stress on the ship's systems at this time, carefully selected members of crew are receiving additional training to handle any emergencies that may arise. Congratulations citizen, you have been selected to be part of this exclusive group. Humanity is counting on you!

Please report to the Forum in person or by telepresence hologram for briefing at 06:00 Standard Ship Time.

Asimov Mission Oversight Program

Apparently Hades Black is dead! Can you believe it? Some bastard poisoned him right in the middle of his own place. The only person ever to be Duke of three Duchies and somebody poisons him. Must have been an inside man; nobody else could have got close. Real shame; I mean nobody expected him to live to old age, only the badass die young and all, but I can’t believe there were no chases or fights or explosions or anything.

Of course, plenty of that going on now, what with so much of Blackout left ungoverned.
— Davros Black

And there I was, best hand I ever had. Could have won a year's fabber rations on that hand. Then I see it on the far side. The two guards on the back door just fall over and start convulsing. Then one of the guests at the closest table collapses onto the roulette wheel. Suddenly everone's screaming. The dealer tells us the table is closed and returns our stakes. Just like that. I was ready to kill somebody, but they'd all scarpered. Bastards. And get this: some guy was there pawing all over them recording their times of death in a little notebook. Sick bastard.
— Loud Mouth Joe

All right. I don't know which scurvy scum did it, but I've got my guys searchin the video logs. I'm Duke now, and first order of business is vengeance on the one who killed my brothers. First guy to bring me his head is getting a month's worth of Acheron's profits. With a bonus for torture.
— Rocksalt Skull, rumoured to be last survivor of Hades' original Skulls bicycle gang.

Cleaning crews were saddened to report the death of yet another member of the crew at the hands of murderous BOBs. Apparently suffering from a need for extreme redecoration, the BOBs caught up with the unfortunate John White and proceeded to apply him liberally to all nearby surfaces through the artistic medium of arterial spray. Apparently the weapon of choice was a circular saw.

Engineering report that they are still looking for the body of another suspected victim, the only evidence of his existence the blood soaked footprints leaving the crime scene overlaid with two sets of blood soaked track prints. Clearly the man they belonged to was fleeing inevitable demise at the hands of a pair of BOB with a taste for blood.

John has been a valuable member of the ACTP and Engineering department and seemingly met his unfortunate end during an entirely routine maintenance trip.

In the last month a large theological debate has sprung up amongst the Friends of Computer and other associated groups regarding whether the ship should be landed. Various leaders of the Friends were seen preaching and debating to large crowds, making various arguments for and against.

Some see the landing as an opportunity and reward for dutiful followers of Computer, to take a world for themselves and with Computer's help, make it their own. Rather more people argued against the landing on the grounds that it was clearly a temptation designed to make the faithful doubt the doctrine of the Destination. On a more practical note, many are objecting on practical grounds to landing on a planet where it's not possible to breathe the air or without a guarantee that the ship can slow down enough to get there.

While there are plenty of ship residents eager for new adventure, these debates appear to have stirred a certain amount of opposition to the landing, and some radical elements have called for the Captain to reconsider her choice.

Despite reports that BOBs were going haywire for a second time in as many months, rumours from the Engineering department suggest that the BOBs are being fixed exceedingly quickly.

An anonymous source close to the BOB-herders had this to say about the mysterious events:

“I don't know what's going on. The callouts are being marked as solved faster than the Engineers are reporting in. And loads of callouts don't have anyone's signature attached to them. Just who the hell is fixing the BOBs? I want to buy them a drink!”

Officials from the Department of Engineering have declined to comment.

Leaked Department of Health Memo:

Dear Colleauges,

It is unfortunate that on my watch cybernetics have finally let us down. Their complex technology is no longer sustainable. Since the departure from Earth many years ago there has been a steady decline in our understanding of the technology, and a lack of proper maintenance. We have just been reusing what we inherited. Sadly, as with anything, there is a limit to just how long these machine keep going before they wear out.

A recent review has found that the cost of keeping the technology alive far outweighs the benefits we derive from the efforts of doing so. It is hence with regret that I must instruct you to perform no further cybernetics implantation. I have informed the Department of Harmony that doing so should be classed as a waste of resources.

As I dictate this message, the small inventory of spare devices is already being dismantled by our colleagues in the Department of Recycling who will reclaim the vital resources invested in them for the good of the Ship.

So ordered by the power invested in me by Computer,
Laurence Blue
Head of Health

Reports from Blackout this month are that it's been a bad time to be a criminal. It seems that a mysterious figure wearing a mask and known only as the Geriatric has been going around solving crimes, beating up muggers, and generally making Blackout a slightly less scary and vicious place to live.

Just who is the Geriatric? Marshal sources have not yet confirmed whether they are in fact an age criminal associated with Age Concerns, but here at TOROID! we don't really care - we're just glad to see that some of our senior citizens are helping clean up the place.

-TOROID! Magazine Crime Roundup

Captain Lyla joins this month's SV21 in a fetching purple dress, playing a patient, disciplined and utterly badass warrior monk who allies to the vikings in their quest to release Dog from the clutches of the lizards, who want to raise him to the status of lizard-god (flashbacks to famous pit-lizard Eviscerator as the last lizard-god). We also see Hephaestus Black joining the team with a mysteriously glowing flashback to the Crusher helping him rescue his brother (John White) from rampaging BOBs.

The episode ends with Hephaestus turning to the camera and reminding everyone to contact him if they find aliens, because the alien threat must not be ignored, and a dedication to John White, who apparently died mere days after filming his scene for Samurai Vikings.

Adverts shown around the ship before the NGF games:

Heavy rock music plays, as pink and black flames part to reveal the Crusher, who points at the camera.

“Red, Green, Engineering — go home, nerds! The season's over! This is Harmony's year, NERDS!!”

The flames flicker around the edges of the screen, as clips from previous matches show Harmony at their most brutal and best. The flames get higher to cover the screen, but then one of the black flames morphs into a silhouette of an unknown player wearing a Harmony uniform, who proceeds to give a demonstration of back-flips, high-kicks and leg sweeps.

The big day has arrived: Harmony versus Engineering in their first ever semi-final. The two teams that have turned the league on its head, now play for a chance to meet Red in the 2650 NGF final. We spoke to the coaches before the game:

Jenny Red: Yeah, of course we're glad to have Darwin back; I know he's moved out of Toroid 2, but he's still an engineer. I know the team are all fit and ready to play for a shot at the final. I do want to play the short ball and I do want to play the long ball. I think long and short balls is what NGF is all about.

The Crusher: We've been training hard and we've got a good strong team. We've got new signing Autumn Green who's been kicking ass and the rest of 'em are kicking ass right back. We've got so much talent that we're gonna win the league — this is Team Harmony's year. Those engineering nerds are gonna fail, man; they've got no chance.

All the pitch-side seats are filled, and the Forum and bars in all sectors are filled with fans of both sides. But who will go home disappointed?

Harmony, playing in their new skull-helmet kit, have regulars Thursday White and the Crusher up front, alongside new man Autumn Green. Berry Green resumes her role as lynchpin midfielder. Engineering welcome the return of Darwin Blue, who is sporting an ED sash. He joins debutante Callie Blue in central defence, with new player Carla Blue joining Indium Blue in attack.

Engineering play a full defensive game, attempting to prevent Crusher from making any plays. The Engineering defence, and their midfield, practically hug him at times. Crusher obviously gets frustrated by this, and is warned by referee Lyla Red when a defender hits the wall a little too hard.

With 30 minutes and no goals, the fans are getting rather frustrated. Engineering continue their spoiler tactics but to no avail as Thursday White intercepts a poor clearance, passing to Autumn Green who scores his first NGF goal in the 33rd minute. Engineering manage to hang on until half-time without letting in another.

The second half gets underway, and with only one goal in it, it's all to play for. Engineering continue to play negatively, but Autumn Green and Thursday White wade in to Crusher's aid, and there's very nearly a riot on the pitch. Lyla blows her whistle, and sin-bins Thursday White, whilst giving everyone a stern warning. Darwin is temporarily subbed to have his oxygen mask repaired.

Engineering takes advantage of the one player advantage: Indium seizes the opportunity, and the ball, quickly passing it to new player Carla who is in space. Carla hurls herself to the goal, and gets one back for Engineering. At one all, the crowd go wild.

After a brief time-out, Lyla blows the whistle to get the final 30 minutes underway. Immediately Autumn and Thursday charge down the pitch with the ball. Darwin and Callie manage to tackle Autumn, who deftly passes the ball back to Berry. Crusher scoops her up and punts her through the air. Autumn runs up the wall, does a back-flip, and runs interference through the defence. Thursday catches up with Berry, and volleys her and the ball through the goal mouth. 2-1 to Harmony!

The final 25 minutes are nail-biting for both teams. Engineering are playing a much more positive game and trying to score goals, but everything they throw at the Harmony goal is blocked. Harmony take a few chances to try to score on the break, but the Engineering goalie makes many impressive saves.

Engineering throw everything they have to try to equalise, but it is to no avail. The final blow comes in the 78th minute as Crusher barrels through the Engineering mid-field and defence to score a definite winner. The final score is 3-1 to Harmony, and Engineering leave the field, disappointed.

Harmony's celebrations are long and loud — beating Engineering in a semi might well be better than beating Red in the final! Only time will tell — make sure you tune in for next month's Sport Report!

• All sectors and departments of mettle and valour, plus and individual BOB owners or BOB wranglers up for a challenge, are encouraged to enter their metal gladiators or brave selves and defend their honour in BattleBOBs! BOBS FOR THE BOB GOD!!!
• Toroid 5: a radioactive riddle, wrapped in mysterious algae, inside an enigmatic tentacle monster.
• I just don't know how I've gotten so much done this month - it's amazing.
• The People's Front of the Asimov are right
• Oh Computer! The blood, the blood! Piers killed so many of us. I still have nightmares of him striding round the market killing indiscriminately … *sobs*
• They feed on your fear.
• It's coming back
• Whoever killed Carl Grey-Wrench has nabbed his ID chip and is using the telepresence system to impersonate him!
• Did you hear, Lyla and Mordecai? Wink wink, nudge, nudge.
• Aiden seems stressed lately… more than usual
• What the hell are you doing? They'll send Officer Crusher after you, idiot!
• Honk. Honk.
• Do you hear the beer sing?
• Age Concerns is just a bunch of self-interested geriatrics concerned only with themselves.
• Ah, ah, ah, ah, Toroid 5, Toroid 5
• What would you do with a million fabber credits?
• I hear Worldcraft might be ending!
• If you're killed in SV21, you die in the 'real' world.
• Toroid 6 caused the T3 plague
• Graffiti in Blackout: “Hey Veta and Anarr, if either of you are actually still alive can you let me know?”
• And I thought I hated BOBs while they were on our side!
• One does not simply kill Carl Grey-Wrench
• You hear anything about aliens, you let Hephaestus Black know.