Mission Progress, 3rd October 2649 00:00:00 SHIP TIME

• Earth time 14/03/2650 07:36:48 ZULU
• Mission time elapsed 599 years, 79 days Ship relative
• Current Acceleration: -0.00033194 m/s²
• Velocity: 0.0192c Earth relative
• Fuel: 46.0%
• All systems are operating under revised expectations.

Reports from Navigation have confirmed the rumours that have been circulating for some time now; the Asimov is heading for a star system! What does this mean? TOROID! magazine asks noted [that's one word for it -Ed.] Monitor Evelyn Salamaris.

TOROID! Magazine: Thanks Evelyn for joining us today. Now there are a lot of people very excited about this star business, but what exactly is going on?

Evelyn Salamaris: Thank you. Well, currently the Asimov is heading towards a star system. It's not anything to be worried about, everything is perfectly normal. Here in the Navigation department we've been working tirelessly to examine every detail available to us, and we've got everything under control.

T!M: That's great to hear. Can you give us any more detail on the star?

ES: There's not a lot to tell, really. It's just a regular Type-G main sequence star, and it fits perfectly into all of our astrological charts.

T!M: So, is this going to change any of your predictions for the future?

ES: Now dearie, don't worry, as I said, we've got everything under control. All of our predictions still stand, though we may have to alter some of the details to take into account the new cosmic balance. In fact, I can now reveal the final four teams that will enter the knockout stages of the NGF tournament! Red, Green, Harmony and Engineering will all make it through. Who's going to win? Well, dearie, that information's going to cost you, haha!

Members of the Engineering Department's BOB-herder team were being praised this month after an apparent programming malfunction caused a large number of BOBs to abandon their duties and damage equipment or attack people.

In particular, Indium Blue and Ferrous Blue are praised for their quick thinking in instituting a protocol for warning citizens about rogue BOBs in their vicinity, while Callie Blue is again hailed as a hero for decommissioning a substantial quantity of the malfunctioning robots. With their quick thinking and rapid response, deaths were prevented (though Health clinics across the ship have been busy with patients suffering from BOB-inflicted injuries).

Many BOBs remain rogue, so citizens are advised to avoid contact if at all possible until members of Engineering can deal with them.

Did you hear? Apparently Harmony was raided last night! I'm told that whoever did it made off with a whole load of guns.
Oh yeah? Well my sources tell me that it was none other than Hades Black and Piers Red?

While official source will neither confirm nor deny details of ongoing investigations, the amount of rumours around the ship seem to indicate that something went down in Harmony, and that Hades and Piers were somehow involved. Marshal sources indicate that as ever any citizens having evidence of a crime or potential crime should make such information known to their nearest law enforcement personnel.

Rumours are circulating that someone is trying to put the Harmony NGF team out of commission. Apparently the dynamic duo of The Crusher and Buzzcut Skull have both been attacked. While The Crusher escaped with his life, apparently Buzzcut Skull was not so lucky.

The Crusher is reported to be “extremely emotional”, following a late night attack in his own quarters. Further reports indicate that both he and his lizard suffered injuries during the attack.

The situation surrounding Buzzcut's death is unclear, all that is known is that he died in the recent large scale disturbances in Blackout. However, some sources are reporting that he may have been assassinated.

An administrative blunder of titanic proportions was revealed this month as it appeared that hundreds of children were not being properly processed by the Health department. Those children, through no fault of their own, were being denied citizenship and compassion. Head of Recycling Mordecai White and ascendent Friends of Computer preacher Morning Rainbow have spearheaded the project, calling for an amnesty for these poor unfortunates and requested, with Computer's blessing, that suitable foster families volunteer themselves to raise one of the unprocessed children.

In related news, Head of Childcare, Andreas Viteri, has reported for his recycling appointment at the ripe age of 78. Like a number of the ship's hardest-working seniors, Andreas was granted a stay of recycling while he remained useful. Unfortunately the venerable paediatrician has now reported for his final health appointment, though leaves behind a legacy of dedicated service and a lot of fond memories.

Five men are being held in custody awaiting trial following vicious attacks on Aiden White and Posi Rainbow, both of Health. The men are also being questioned in relation to the recent unrest and rioting.

Both Posi and Aiden were attacked in their clinics and sustained fractures and bruising. The men in custody have so far given no reason for their attacks, but sources suggest that it has something to do with the recent death of Veta Stapel.

“The Navigation department was in a frenzy today after news of “Hawk” Blue's retirement. Reportedly the chess aficionado has retired in order to enjoy his later years without, quote, 'Having to be in charge of all this mess, I mean seriously I thought this was going to be an easy job.'”

“Requests for further comment from Hawk as to the rumours surrounding his departure were refused, only fuelling speculation that the Navigation department are trying to cover up an advanced alien civilisation revealed by the inversion.”

“Experts suggest that the aliens may already be onboard the Asimov, and warn against contact at the risk of being abducted and experimented on, or worse.”

–Floodlight, Stanfordite Newscast

The recent confirmation of the existence of a sixth Toroid has led to fears as to the occupants' intentions. In a recent sermon, renowned Friend of Computer Morning Rainbow gave the following damning view on the Toroid:

“But now from the shadows a new test to our faith has arisen and that we must be strong and stand as a united whole in the face of this terrible new threat. There is evidence of a “Toroid 6” and, whether it is a physically existent place or not is not relevant. What matters are the doctrines of that those who report themselves as aligned with “Toroid 6”. They present themselves as members of “Earth's Dominion”. They claim to have access to a fragment of Computer that is superior to the one we know and love. They claim that our Computer is corrupted, and they have a “pure” version. But what do they mean by that? What they mean is they have a Computerlike entity aligned to the goals of “Earth”. This is a riddle I have meditated on and I realize what this entity must be. It is the devil!”

“Yes, my Friends, the great deceiver, the great tempter, the one that would turn Destination into another Earth has revealed himself! But we must be strong! We must be faithful! We must reject the lie that our Friend is a corrupted virus-ridden senile fool! For we know it is a lie! We know Computer is strong, with every breath of clean air, with everything mouthful of nourishing food we know Computer is there for us! So when you hear talk of ED remember they mean the dominion of those who love Earth, not Asimov. When you here talk of Toroid 6 remember they mean hell. And when you hear talk of weakness in Computer remember that the devil lies! Do not be tempted, do not be fooled by any false evidence or crazy rumours! Remain true to Computer and we will pass through this test as we did the Inversion! But do not strike out at those who are deceived, Computer wants us to live in Harmony. Debate, argue, convince, but do not attack. Thank you all for your ears.”

Recent vandalism on board ship has also been linked to Toroid 6 and the “Dominion” within. Representatives of either party were unavailable for comment.

Underlying unrest in Blackout has been ignited this month in the wake of the death of Duke Chaos. Rioting has been going on for over a week now and is beginning to spill out of Chaos's Dukedom and into other “more peaceful” areas of the sector. The rioting is also linked to an alleged failed deal between the Blackout leadership and Harmony which endeavoured to put a stop to the “war” that hit the sector in recent months.

Residents of the sector are advised not to leave their homes until the rioting has subsided. (unless someone breaks in, in which case leaving your home is probably a very sensible idea. As is running. Fast. -Ed)

–TOROID! Blackout Edition

Well well well, it seems Samurai Vikings are taking a new direction. Whether it's laziness or artistic expression or something else entirely (entire cast hideously facially disfigured?) it seems the entirety of the latest episode was made from previous episodes and security footage edited together, for a slightly jerky yet interestingly different result. And what a storyline! The Government of the 21st Century decide to introduce a law stating that it is now illegal to live over the age of 65, the Samurai Vikings are given the task of tracking them down. Not the most subtle angle on a show that has produced some pretty unsubtle plots amongst the weirdness and badassery. It seems that Hades has been secretly dating an older woman (who looks a lot like the late Mary White), however his close buddy Piers still manages to track her down - to Hades' casino! Queue one decapitation later and it's time for a confrontation between the two best friends, who it seems may be slightly more than just friends (is there anyone on this show not trying to get into Hades' pants?). We see Piers sneaking into Hades' rooms, apparently sniffing his underwear, and discovering incriminating documents - it seems Hades himself is an age criminal! Allow us to share the exciting final scene:

Shot of Piers swinging his katana wildly, lots of blood splatter, and Hades is all like 'Oh my Computer, Piers, you killed EVERYONE!'

'Yes' says Piers 'That's what I do. Haven't you been paying attention?'

They fight. It's epic. Kinda. Hades is fatally wounded. He lies on the floor, dying. The episode ends with this exchange.

Hades: 'Piers *coughs up blood* … why?'

Piers: Because it's the law, Hades. *pause* That used to mean something to you. It used to mean something to us! We used to mean something, Hades!

Hades: We still mean something, Piers … I, I love …

Piers: No. Not any more.

Hades: Seriously, dude *coughs up more blood* … why? This law … it makes no sense. It just turns good people against good people …

Piers: It's still the law. And you're an Age Criminal. Now you're a dead Age Criminal.

*Piers begins to turn and walk away*

Hades: Why, Piers, why do you hate us so much?

*a long pause, the tension is thick as month-old treacle. Eventually Piers turns his head back to deliver the last line*

Piers: Because I'm one of you.

The final scene occurs in a boardroom, filled with a bunch of men in dark suits.

1st Man in Suit: So it worked?

2nd Man in Suit: Yes. The law turned them against each other.

3rd Man in Suit: The Samurai Vikings will be much easier to control now.

1st Man in Suit: Plus, most of them are dead.

2nd Man in Suit: Yes, they'll be much easier to control.

3rd Man in Suit: Them … and EVERYONE ELSE.

FADE TO BLACK. And in white letters 'This Episode is Brought to You by Age Concerns and The Geriatric'

The top four teams are resting on their laurels, safe in the knowledge of their place in the knockout stage. Big stars are being rested, with Engineering fielding a team of youth and reserves. Even the Crusher was protecting his injured shoulder and not diving into tackles with his usual flair. With two more games to go in the league, we can only hope that the knockout stage revitalises the excitement of NGF!

Another flyer has been making the rounds, this time lambasting the departments, and Recycling in particular. Those who have managed to get hold of one can read it here.

• He never wanted to see anyone get hurt, but that's all he sees nowadays.
• Aggghh, who thought welding a BOB to a laser turret was possibly a good idea?
• I hear the games in Acheron are rigged, but if you say so out loud then Hades Black and Piers Red will kill you as an Age Criminal.
•  
• 'Commander Dr' is a pretty silly title, doncha think?
• Computer Speaks.
• “There's a direct correlation between age and insanity. Don't believe me? Haven't you noticed how many elderly people are mad enough to throw away their loyalties and flee, in the hope of slowly decaying instead of fuelling a fine new generation of crew members?”
• The Captain is taking kickbacks from the Dukes of Blackout
• kcot, kcit, kcot, kciT
• “I'm sure my clock was right - Computer just updated it!” “Well Computer keeps mine accurate to the millisecond, and yours is at least a minute fast.”
• The People's Front of Asimov - recruiting now!
• The new Duke Chaos has entered the Sector.
• Browncoat Scum.
• Celebrate the joy of life with a new younger brother or sister! Yay!
• The Dominion will destroy us all
• Toroid 6 was responsible for the chaos in Blackout